The No Hands Meal

Right hand? Check.

Left hand? Check.

Ten fingers? {Wiggles fingers} Check.

Oh thank God. It must've all just been a bad dream.

So, I like to eat. A lot. You wouldn't think it because of my size, but it's true. Many people often comment to me "I can't believe how much you eat. Why are you so skinny?" For which I usually respond, "I don't know, but thanks... are you done with that pork chop?".

Eating, besides being one of my favourite past times, is also a necessity in life, if one wants to... well, live. Different cultures around the world use different means to transfer food to their mouths. There's the good ol' Western way of using a fork, knife and spoon to get the job done, there's the Eastern method of chopsticks, and there's the poor man's way of simply using one's hands - a method also made popular by babies and small children worldwide.

Each of these ways is effective in its own right. Myself, I enjoy using silverware, after 10 years of seriously trying, I swear I've almost got the chopstick method down, and my hands are acceptable feeding tools when the food is burgers or pizza or something of the sort.

But recently, I was faced with a major challenge... Something I don't think I had ever seriously attempted before - Eating with out using my hands. At all.

I got back recently from a week volunteering at Camp Sizanani (Helping Each Other) which is a camp for children infected or affected by HIV/AIDS. It was a wonderful overall experience. However, one of the "fun" activities they had us do at camp was a "No Hands Meal". The rules were simple. You couldn't use your hands to eat. We asked about using closed fists or elbows, and they said no - "Put your hands behind your back".

Damn it.

The meal was burgers, fries, and some sort of onion soup. How the hell was this going to work? Immediately, the thought came to mind of giant human chickens, pecking away inefficiently at the bits of food on the plate in front of them. What followed was not too far off from that...

People began the meal by looking quizzically at their food (which they were allowed to set up and dress up before the meal started) thinking, "Ok, what's my first move?" After realizing their was no good option for a first move (or second or third or fourth move), I think most people gave up pretty quickly on planning, and just started face diving into their plate, coming up with whatever their teeth could grasp onto. Kinda like bobbing for apples.

I had similar thoughts prior to diving in (i.e. WTF mate?), though I had a very separate concern in the form of a large mane of hair sprouting from all angles of my face. Did I really want to dive into my food like this and get my beard covered in ketchup, chutney and soup? Did I really want to risk shedding bits of my beard into my burger throughout the course of the meal? The short answer was no. It seemed I had two options:

1- Don't participate in the sillyness of the meal. Result: I'd be "that guy" who doesn't know how to have fun at camp.

2- Shave my beard. Result: All my hard work for the last 6 months would have gone out the window. Also, I would have no beard.

I chose option number 3 (not listed), which was tying my beard into a pony tail at the bottom - a style I thought would help minimize the damage done to my beard during the meal, which in actuality did little more than make me look like an absolute tool.

You see, the problem wasn't the bottom of my beard where my pony tail hung, the problem spots were the part right in front of my chin, and my moustahce - essentially, anything on the same plane as my face, which was constantly dipping itself into the mess of food in front of me.

Some people made incredible progress, finishing their food with seemingly little effort. Others tried to be more [un?]conventional and attempted cutting up their food into little bits by grasping the knife with their teeth and shaking their head "No" as the blade slowly made its way thru the red meat of the burger. (This seemed the dumbest approach in my humble opinion)

As for myself, it was hard enough to grab the burger or the bread between my teeth, jerk my head to pull off a chunk to chew on as I imagine a lioness or a velociraptor might do when feasting on its prey. I didn't like going in for my fries. I had unwisely covered them with some chutney, and every time I got too close, I would breathe in, and my nose would be filled with the strong scent of vinegar and fruit and my eyes would tear up instantly. Tears are not delicious on fries. They just make them wet.

What really concerned me was my soup. It was just sitting on my plate, (we had no bowls) soaking all the fries and bottom of the burger with it's liquid onion-ness. I decided to throw caution to the wind and attempt to start slurping. Face down, lips puckered, sucking in.... And lo and behold, it worked. Of course, my beard was now onion flavoured and I had soup dripping from the point of my nose (I think because I have a slightly larger and more oddly shaped nose than most), but the soup made its way to my belly eventually. Hooray.

Drinking was pretty cake (aka "easy" for those of you not down with my lingo) - the teeth do most of the work clamping down on the plastic cup, then it was just a matter of tilting your head back a bit. But you had to be careful and drink in small bits. If you tilted your head back too far, massive amounts of juice would try to descend down your throat, causing you to cough and choke, thus opening your mouth too much, causing you to drop the entire glass of juice onto your unsuspecting private parts.

Not that I'd know of course....

By the time you'd stand up, you'd look a complete and total fool - pony tailed beard-face, soup dripping from nose, your pants looking like they belonged to an un-housebroken race horse...

In other words, it was the perfect activity for a camp.

Other themed meals were the "No Spoons Meal" (aka no silverware, use your hands), "No Chairs Meal", and "No Table Manners Meal". We decided not to try that one out when the kids were present. That was a counselors-only experience.

So next time any of you decide to have a dinner party, I would highly recommend you consider the endless laughs and massive clean up job of the "No Hands Meal". But please, have pity on your bearded guests, and get them a hair tie for their face.

I know it doesn't do anything, but I promise, they'll look ridiculous.